Sunday, February 9, 2014

Crash and Burn

I usually feel like I'm doing pretty good at this whole mother thing. I had an awesome teacher on how to be a mom and while I think that my mom was awesome and amazing and I only wish I could be half as good at this as she was, I think I have some pretty good days more often than not. When my kids accomplish something or show an interest in something, or when a teacher calls me just to tell me my kid is improving or someone tells me how well behaved they are, it makes me realize that I'm maybe doing more than a little something right.

But sometimes I have days where I feel like I've really crashed and burned. Days where either everything I do is wrong, or every good intention turns out bad and reminds me of why there is a saying about good intentions not always working out the way we want them to. When they think that no matter what I say or do, I'm the cruelest meanest Mommy ever and I feel like I'm the biggest failure ever. I mean colossally crashed and am a smoldering ball of parental screw-up crash and burn kind of days. Days like today.

I have researched the Washington state laws for teenage drivers. I know how much it will cost for them to get a permit and license from the DMV and exactly how old they have to be for the permit. I know exactly how much my insurance will skyrocket when they become drivers. I know how old the state says they have to be before someone other than a relation can be in the car with them after they've gotten said license. I even know what my responsibilities are in order for them to get a license. But I forgot something very important. Three somethings actually.

I forgot Driver's Ed. How much it costs, when it is, what is expected of the student and the parent. Oh, the drama when my girly heard that one!

And I forgot to mentally prepare myself for the fact that in less than a month, my baby girl will be old enough to take the first step to driving- getting a permit.

When did that happen?!?!?! She'll be 15 and 1/2 in less than a month and old enough here to get a permit. I swear that just yesterday she was sitting on our couch crying because she was in time out after I caught her playing dress up with my just purchased $300 line of make-up. Or was it watching her get on the bus for the first time? No, wait, yesterday was letting her spend the night at a friend's house for the first time... or was it letting her go on a road trip with Grandma without me? I swear to you... she's still a baby! She's MY baby.

And finally, I forgot to let go and let God. I held on to some pretty big stumbling blocks and forgot to trust God with everything, then I stepped out on to a path that lead to an ugly evening. I let my fear of the eventual reality of my daughter growing up, and then I let the stress of everything else in other areas of my life get the best of me and it came out in my tone of voice, so when I was laying out what I thought were some pretty fair conditions, it sounded wrong. Like wanting to drive was a punishment and I was angry with her.

Did I mention that we're talking about my baby girl being behind the wheel of a car in the not to far away future?

Did I also mention it was a colossal crash and burn kind of day?

We really need do-overs for days like today.

So here I am, unable to sleep and listening to the snores from the rest of the household. And I'm trying really hard to give all this stress and fear to God. It's amazing how much strength it takes to do that.

Pray for me please, because alone, I know I'm not that strong.



Anonymous said...

Thank you for your honesty. Make sure that she reads this so she understands that you're not a mean momma but a scared momma. She'll be there too one day with her child and will be able to understand her feelings. You two are doing an awesome job. Oh, BTW, Eli is right behind her!

Franklin Swenson said...

You have done wonderful as a mother and I still remember when she was chasing you know who to give him smooches and tell him that they were getting married.

Daisy said...

:D Thanks ya'll! I needed the encouragement. I'm trying to do better at letting go and letting God lately and this is a major one for me. And yikes!:p Did you have to remind me about Eli? Stop the clock! :D